1. “It’s not you, it’s me.” – Nope. It really is you I’m just trying to be nice.
2. “The doctor will be with you in a minute.” – Get outta here! In all of my 29 years I have yet to see the doctor in “a minute,” or even a few minutes. Saying, “The doctor will be with you in 13 minutes even though there is no wall clock in this cramped room to help you gauge how long you’ve actually been waiting,” is a lot more accurate.
3. “It’s not what you think.” – It’s exactly what you think and it’s what you saw too.
4. “All the good ones are taken.” – This lie must have originated from a woman in an attempt to ward off the competition.
5. “I don’t need anyone.” – We ALL need someone. We weren’t meant to live life alone. We need one another.
6. “My child would never do that.” – Yeah he would. And he did.
7. “Just 3 easy payments of $19.99.” – Lol. Don’t forget the shipping and handling. It may also be helpful to have a magnifying glass on hand to read the super tiny print rapidly scrolling at the bottom of the television screen.
8. “Satisfaction guaranteed.” – Satisfaction is subjective; thereby, never guaranteed.
9. “We’re just friends.” (Smile. Giggle.) “No, really.” – The smile followed by a giggle is a bit of a giveaway.
10. “I’m only 5 minutes away.” – If anyone feeds you this lie take off your shoes and coat, fix that sandwich you’ve been craving and finishing watching that House of Anywhere, USA episode, because the person feeding you this lie hasn’t even pulled out of the drive way.
11. “I’m 100% natural.” – They don’t move and you wore a size 32A just last week. But they look great!
12. “Why am I being pulled over? I was doing the speed limit. Maybe 3 miles, no more than 5 miles over the speed limit.” – Take it from an avid collector of speed tickets from all across the country: this lie NEVER works.
13. “I’m allergic to latex.” – As a woman I am obligated to add this one. (I would’ve added a different, wildly popular lie closely related to this one, but since my mother and mother-in-law sometimes pay my blog a visit I figured I’d keep it classy while educating the masses. Lol.)
14. “I’ll pay you back when I’ll get my tax return.” – CLASSIC!
15. “I never lie.” – This must be your first.
What did I miss? Share a classic lie or give us a sneak peek to the next great lie destined to be coined a future classic.